My Feels from Reading Ender's Game
by KatiaHeartfield
Summary: The first two chapters really will have nothing to do with Ender's Game, they're strictly thoughtful writing i had written while i was reading the first book. The rest of it is an Ender x Oc. I hope you enjoy. Rating may change.
1. Chapter 1

My feels from reading Ender's Game

I don't want to live in this world. Not in a sense that I want to die, no that's not what has sprung these thoughts into the delicate little mind of mine. Its that I want the world to catch up with me. How I think, how I perceive things. How I see things how other people cant see them.

Like cigarette smoke – how it clings to the fire at the edge, rising up in a ghostly silhouette before being sucked into the little exhaust fan in the center of the stove while my mom does her makeup in the morning. It's really quite beautiful. Like a candle, after its been blown out. Candles smell better than cigarettes. And candles last longer.

I guess that makes me a pyromaniac, seeing the beauty in fire and in smoke. I guess that's why I like bonfires, too. Bigger fires, thicker smoke; and there's a bigger canvas of black to contrast the rising gray during the night when the warmth outside is needed. Bonfires smell nice too. They leave a crisp tang in the air when you breathe. It feels nice going down the back of my throat, into my lungs, unlike candle smoke. Candle smoke is harsh, and its gone too quickly to leave a crisp scent lingering in the cool room where I had lit it.

I imagine, that if the world caught up to me, maybe I wouldn't be so different. Maybe I would hate the people in this world less, or care for the splendors that life provides, more. Its not the individuals I loathe, its human nature as a whole whom I actually despise. When I group them all together and call them humans, do I sneer in contempt towards them.

But then again, even if the world caught up to me, and I was no longer different, because people would be able to think how I think, and to see the world as I see it – to see the beauty in people as individuals, and to see the true beauty of the world – I feel that I would never be truly satisfied. I would still be bored within the trifles that life provides. I would still hold contempt for the people around me; humanity as a whole.

I would still be different. I would still feel like I see things differently, that I perceive them differently. So then, what would be the point in the world catching up to me? I still wouldn't want to live in that world. Not because I want to die, but because I would want to see if the world could truly see things in the way that I see them.

But if they could, then who in this world would still be different enough to the point that they would want the world to catch up with them, as well?

-Katia L. Heartfield

Discloser: I do not own Ender's Game, i just loved the book. Please R&R


	2. Chapter 2

My feels from reading Ender's Game Two

Question: do you hate who you are now?

Answer:

In a sense, I really do. I hate how weak I am at times, and I hate how messed up in the head I am. I doubt that anyone thinks over the things that I think. I doubt that people see things how I see them, and a part of me hates that in myself.

But in a way, I have to love that too. I'm so different. I'm so analytical. Nobody else could see things how I see them, or think in the sense that I think, so I have to admire that uniqueness in me. Plus, really, I cant hate who I am, because everything that has happened in my past has shaped me to be the kind of person that I am, today.

Yes, some of those things were bad, but they have shaped me for the better. I don't fear; I can't fear, and I loathe anger. Without those two emotions stopping me, I believe that it opens a piece of me to better release the better aspects of emotion in myself, like love and that caring nature that I so often have. I'm such a nice person, and even if I hate that about me, at times, I have no other choice but to love it, too.

I mean, with all the kinds of people in the world, I feel as if this dull, vain place needs more people with a heart – like me. I have no other way to phrase it that doesn't make everybody else sound like rude, greedy people, but in truth, that's all I see in human kind as a whole. Besides, I have a very optimistic and unbiased standpoint about a lot of things, and I can retain almost all of the information that I read. I think that these traits really helps open a non-physical doorway to better help with my writings, as well.

So I guess my real answer isn't a no, or a yes, buy a combination of both. I both hate who I am now, and love who I am now, and I believe that ordinary people will have a hard time understanding it the way I do, though its there.

So now, let me ask you; Do you hate who you are, now? I legitimately want to know your answer, so let me know.


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